This commentary is by Mac Parker of North Danville, who was a Vermont storyteller before serving four years in federal prison for his role raising money for what he describes as a misguided and deceptive film project. He recently started a YouTube channel to speak openly about his experiences.
It seems to be part of human nature to take comfort in what we know. And to want to cling or return to the familiar when we feel threatened or afraid.
Who can blame us? Any frightened or upset child will naturally run to the safest and most reassuring adult we can find. It’s a natural human instinct.
When I was in federal prison, I lived with men who had all, to varying degrees, lost and even destroyed our familiar lives. Many spent years in bitterness or regret, wishing only to return to families, lovers, youth and freedom that would no longer be there when they were released.
The wisest were the ones who faced themselves, and faced the fact that whatever they went back to — if indeed they got to go back at all — would be forever changed.
I am grateful for my four years in prison, because it helped change me. It helped me face the pain and devastation I had caused for others, and the devastation I had caused in my own life and community. Ultimately, it helped me realize that devastation is not only a tragedy or an ending; it can also be an opening to transformation and new potentials.
Prison also helped prepare me to live in a pandemic. I’ve been in lockdowns before. I’ve had my life constrained by forces beyond my control. I’ve experienced deep loss. I’ve learned the benefits of being slowed down to a pace where I faced and learned things I may never have even considered without this enforced interruption of “normal life.”
In prison, there’s an understanding that short-timers don’t always learn their lesson. Guys get a one- or two-year sentence, only to return home as foolish as they came in. Many of them commit more serious crimes and find themselves right back in jail. Many of them will never be released again.
I wonder about this dynamic as we approach the potential end of the Covid pandemic. Is it enough to want to “return to normal?” Is there actually even a normal to return to?
Of course, after the hardship, loss, and upheaval of the past year, it is both natural and understandable that so many of us are looking forward to going back to what we know and love. Especially for those who have lost parents, spouses, friends and children.
But does this potential “release date” also allow us to avoid deeper lessons? At least until they become even more acute?
Will we be content to return to a “normal” state of mass shootings, uncontrollable wildfires, and communities where the average person can no longer afford to buy a home? Where our magnificent Lake Champlain is polluted by our ongoing human activity? Where basic democratic principles are under serious attack, where black people are still being denied the right to vote, and Asian people are being attacked and scapegoated for a virus they did not cause?
Prison, for me, was a wakeup call. I needed it, and am grateful for all it gave me the chance to learn.
Perhaps Covid is a wakeup call for all of us? A warning and a heads up to slow down, reflect, and begin to see our lives and our world differently? Perhaps it is not only a curse, but also a chance for a whole new beginning?
For each of us. For all of us, collectively?
Perhaps, like prison, the goal is not to “escape,” or to be released before we’ve learned our lessons?
Perhaps this is life offering us a kind of “tough love,” inviting us to take heed before we receive a stiffer and even more unforgiving sentence?
Of course, we all learn in our own ways and our own time. But my experience is that when the lessons are as stark as what we are facing now, it’s actually past time to sit up and pay attention.
There’s an old saying: “What we deny grows stronger.”
One of many things I learned in prison is that what we don’t deny ultimately makes us stronger.
This, to me, is the hidden opportunity in any tragedy, including Covid. And it seems that it’s an opportunity being offered to all of us, right now.
