Editor’s note: This commentary is by Margaret Colbert, Caitlin Plumer, Nathan Budgor, Sarah Holmes, Charlotte Gliserman and Mikayla Varunok, students in the Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies program at the University of Vermont. They decided to do something positive in response to their feelings after the presidential election — for themselves and for others in their community.
[F]or many of us, this has been a tough week. Walking the streets of Burlington, you can see countless people wearing the grief on their faces, heads are hung low, people seem to be embracing their loved ones tighter and every conversation you hear in passing is a new take on what is causing this sense of unease. What seems to be weighing heavily on a lot of our minds, however, is what happens when we leave the liberal sweet spot of Burlington and head into the America that left us surprised and scared that fateful Tuesday night. As somber as it is to see a majority of your community in low spirits, it seems infinitely more unsettling to head to territory where people are rejoicing. Even further, utterly frightening and anxiety-invoking for many of us who will be facing these people across a dinner table for the multiple holiday gatherings coming soon in the season. This time around, it seems more pressing than ever to not simply overlook comments passed by your slightly intoxicated uncle, or your well-intentioned mother, or your conservative grandfather. For those of us trying to get a grip on preparing ourselves for these looming interactions, here are some tips to try and deal with these comments and actions appropriately, and use our voices, if we are comfortable, to express how we are feeling right now.
• Breathe. Deeply, consistently, mindfully.
• Keep in mind what you want to get out of any discussion you may have and what you want to avoid. Think about your family ties. Remind yourself, if you are close to your family, how much this means to you, stay aware of how you will be affected by the possible outcome of this conversation in the future, and act accordingly to your goals going into the conversation.
• Plan before you speak in order to handle things as thoughtfully and constructively as possible. Assume the other side has spent as much time defending their own stances as you have, and outline clear arguments, hone in on lines of reasoning, and prepare for counterarguments that come your way. Use both facts and direct statements stating exactly how things make you feel. Set goals for yourself before engaging, and focus these goals in on making headway and letting your family members know how you’re feeling. This will not be solved in one dinner, and make sure your goals reflect that.
There is nobility in disengaging if needed, as well as focusing on areas of agreement if there are any to ease the climate a bit, and these tactics are not the same as being silenced if you need to call upon them for self-preservation or preservation of goals you set forth.
• Don’t sacrifice your very real emotions, including anger. There are ways to be angry constructively and there are ways where it may manifest into loss of control. Channel your emotions into passion, and don’t shy away from expressing exactly how you are feeling every step of the way to your family. If there is any way you are most likely to strike a chord with them, it is through emotional relation of issues to yourself and other loved ones, so use this emotion deliberately and genuinely.
• Take care of yourself. This goes for before, during and after. Track your reactions to specific points people bring up as well as who may be bringing them up. If your mind and body have had too much, not only will this take a serious toll on you, but could take the discussion to places you weren’t planning on. There is nobility in disengaging if needed, as well as focusing on areas of agreement if there are any to ease the climate a bit, and these tactics are not the same as being silenced if you need to call upon them for self-preservation or preservation of goals you set forth.
• Even if you may have to leave the community that supports you, remember that they are only a text or phone call away. Check in with your friends, remind them that you have each other, and remember that your feelings are validated and that you are fighting a noble fight.
• Know, and give credit to yourself for, your bravery and strength of spirit for standing apart from the people or the place that you came from because their views do not align with what you know in your heart to be right and good. When looking at moments of fear mongering and persecution, history looks kindly on dissenters, and with disbelief at those that blindly followed racist rhetoric and hate. Remind yourself to be empowered by the fact that you did not choose the path of least resistance, and created your own moral code instead of just inheriting one that doesn’t fit. This is powerful. This is, and you are, impressive. You are on the right side of history with millions of others who choose love and equality over hate and bigotry. Do yourself a favor and step away from the dinner table to silently remind yourself of this fact, and of how incredible you are. While you do that also remember the family you have in others that are willing to organize and take to the streets to protect your rights and the rights and bodies of the many people attacked and debased in this election. It’s a very big family, and we will fight alongside you long after whatever awkward, painful dinner you have to sir through.
