This commentary is by Bill Pelz-Walsh and John Ungerleider, who run Taking Responsibility, the domestic abuse accountability program in Brattleboro.
Destructive hurricanes, severe flooding, extreme heat waves, massive wildfires. And still, men with influence deny that climate change is real.
We hear over and over about women being harassed, stalked, assaulted, raped and murdered. And again, men in positions of power refuse to take responsibility for the harm caused.
We just witnessed the takeover of Afghanistan by a relatively small group of men who know that power lies in the ability to control others by using extreme levels of violence. And shockingly, men once again keep women locked in their homes.
In our own small community, we hear reports of a prominent high school teacher who manipulated and coerced female students into fulfilling his sexual fetishes. And sadly, the blatant abuse of his power was covered up and not addressed for decades.
It is beyond time for men to identify that so much of the violence that permeates our world is a product of male culture. Men elevate their own power and stature at the expense of women — and humanity. In this culture of dominance, men have written and enforced the norms of society. It is a sad history of domination and violence as a means to power and control.
We don’t have to look very far to see the destructive consequences of this cruel approach. And when will this stop?
It is crucial that we break this cycle of abuse with an emphasis on accountability: If you have caused harm, you should acknowledge the impact of your behaviors and learn about the roots of entitlement that supported those actions. You should be expected to take responsibility for the harm done and face the consequences.
As providers of our local domestic violence accountability program in Windham County, Taking Responsibility, we feel strongly that any abuse of power must be identified and responded to appropriately. When we cover up instances of abuse, we perpetuate a system that continues to abuse so many.
We believe that most men who cause harm have also been harmed. Our model of accountability with respect attempts to support the dignity of the person who caused harm while moving toward non-abusive alternatives.
In our years of work with men who have committed acts of partner violence, we find decency in all of them. We encourage them to be good men, committed to moving toward a positive expression of masculinity that includes respect, compassion and integrity.
We also believe that men should be responsible for holding abusive men accountable. This should not be an additional burden that women are responsible for addressing. We urge all men to not be passive bystanders or only say the right things.
Men need to actively stand up to those who abuse their power over those more vulnerable, and call for accountability. The message to our community and humanity must be that this abuse of power has a long-lasting and devastating impact on victims/survivors: It is and always should be entirely unacceptable.
So men, if you see or know of an instance of abuse of power by men in your community, don’t stand by. Say something. Do something.
