People & Places

Satire: New survey shows 100% of Vermonters hold moderate political views

The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall. 

WINOOSKI – In a shocking new survey, results show that the “liberal” state of Vermont is full of moderates. Even in the more “conservative” rural areas, every resident self-identifies as a moderate voter. The Winooski surveyed over 2000 Vermonters, and the results were clear. No matter how someone in the state votes, they hold moderate political views internally.

After the results came in, we sent our reporter, Calm Wyvern, to interview some of the respondents, looking to clarify the surprising data that we received. Mr. Wyvern caught up with Burlington resident Flo Gressive, and asked her a few questions about her personal views.

CW: So Flo, I see here that you think of yourself as moderate?
FG: Oh yes, definitely.
CW: I also see that you believe all Republicans should be immediately removed from office for corruption, and that food, housing, and health care should be free to all Americans?
FG: Well, yes, and I see where you’re going with this Calm, but a lot of my friends are much more liberal than I am. I’m actually more middle-of-the-road than most of the people I know. For instance, I only want to recognize six genders, and I think the homeless population should only be allowed to defecate freely on public land, not private. My cousin doesn’t even in believe in private property at all. I’d say I’m actually fairly conservative, comparatively.
CW: So you believe that, and I’m quoting from your survey here, “no restrictions at all on immigration” is a moderate view?
FG: Absolutely.

We also sent Wyvern out to Lyndonville to speak with another respondent, Andy Deluvian, who was happy to clarify some of his answers.

CW: So Andy, I see here that you think of yourself as a moderate?
AD: Yup.
CW: And it says here that you also don’t think women should be allowed to hold elected positions?
AD: Well, that’s in the Bible, Calm.
CW: Right. And you also believe President Trump should not be prosecuted for any crimes he may have committed while in office?
AD: Yup, just like the Constitution says. But y’know, I got friends who think Trump oughtta be president for life, and who think Mexicans should be shot on sight. I ain’t that conservative. My wife is always saying I’m pretty liberal for a conservative. So I’d say I’m really a true moderate. It’s not like I want to ban all solar energy or nothing.
CW: No, but you did say that “journalists should be shot.”
AD: Yeah, but, like, a warning shot. Not killed or nothing. Hey, where you going? Not you, Calm. I don’t count The Winooski as real journalism. My cousin believes every story you guys print, but I know better. Calm?

The results were the same across the board. Every person with whom we spoke presented their political views as moderate, no matter where on the spectrum they lay. We will update this story if we can find a true liberal or conservative in Vermont, but until then, dear reader, you can rest assured that you are normal and reasonable, and everyone else is nuts.

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Adam Hall

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Neil Johnson

pure genius, well done.

John Shaplin

Moderately nuts,not like a serial killer or folks who can’t even talk or go to the bathroom, or those dumb smiley-face people.

Bob Bennett

Just judging by his photo, Andy looks very mature for a high school sophomore.

 

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