Pulcer: Checks and balances redefined

Editor’s note: This op-ed is by Ron Pulcer of Rutland Town.

Our Founding Fathers created a system of three separate branches of government. They embodied this system of government, along with checks and balances, into a written Constitution, a document highly regarded by Tea Party members.

During the last two months of Debt Ceiling Debate 24/7, it appears to me that the Tea Party freshmen in the House of Representatives have given new meaning to “checks and balances”.

Since the first Tea Party queen, Sarah Palin, made a comparison between pit bulls and “hockey moms,” I will continue with the “hockey” analogy. By the way, the Canadians adapted earlier outdoor “stick-and-ball” games to icy weather conditions to create ice hockey. But then again, Sarah Palin can see the Yukon from her house, and on a clear day, the Northwest Territories. And, little did this hockey mom realize that her kids were playing a game created in a Socialist country. But I digress.

In this marathon hockey tournament, which lasted longer than your average Stanley Cup, two teams battled it out in the icy floors of the House and Senate chambers. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi coached the Holy Donkeys (blue jerseys) and John Boehner and Mitch McConnell tried to lead the Donut Holes (red jerseys). The Donut Holes also had a new line of players, who liked to warm up to the song “Par-Tea like your still 29.” The Debt Ceiling Hockey games went on and on and on into overtime and overdrive.

The object of Debt Ceiling Hockey is to get the puck into the opposing team’s net. The goalie for the Holy Donkeys was Barack Obama, but being a tall, slim man, he wasn’t well suited for this position. The goalies for the Donut Holes were Rush Limbaugh and Grover Norquist. Given that Rush has lost some weight, the Donut Holes recruited Grover to assist for maximum coverage of the goal opening. What, two goalies? That’s not fair. Ah, but the Par-Tea linemen said: “Who needs rules and regulations! This is free-market hockey. We don’t play fair-market hockey.”

Here is where the Par-Tea line players began to turn “checks and balances” on its head. The Par-Tea line skaters weren’t content with fancy stick-checking maneuvers (normal House and Senate protocols). No, they were into full body “checking” (and occasional high sticking and tripping). Nancy Pelosi, BOOM!, into the boards. Little Harry Reid, BLAM!, flat on his face. The Par-Tea offensive line swarmed around the goalie Barack Obama. The Par-Tea crowd members weren’t even afraid to threaten to body check members of their own team, if necessary (even if only in the Donut Hole locker room). John Boehner skated around with one eye on the Par-Tea line (or Eric Cantor). While the Par-Tea line skated around, the other players did their best to keep their “balance,” afraid of being “checked.” Hence, the Par-Tea line has given us a new and improved form of “checks and balances.”

Near the end of the tournament, bipartisan mayhem broke loose. It all became quite confusing, when during the last timeout, McConnell made a deal with the Holy Donkeys (Obama, Biden, Reid, Pelosi) and Boehner to cut the puck in half. Then, two referees simultaneously dropped half-pucks in two separate face-offs. Each team split itself in two, whereby some team members shot at one goal and their teammates aimed for the other goal. In the end, the score was tied 1/2 to 1/2, since each side only got a half-puck into the opposing goal.

Then both teams skated around with their sticks in the air and declared victory. The Par-Tea line spokesman Joe “Deadbeat Dad” Walsh (R-IN) also declared that they had defeated both teams, even though the Par-Tea line was apparently part of the Donut Holes team. The people in the crowd and the TV viewers (I wouldn’t call them fans) watched this marathon Debt Ceiling Hockey tournament with dismay and disgust.

As the game was winding down, the American taxpayers witnessed their retirement savings and 401K “balances” slide downward beginning around July 21. After the game ended, the congressional players collected their pay “checks” and flew back to their home ice. Then the American taxpayers saw their retirement savings “balances” continue to tumble, especially on Aug. 4, 2011.

That, my fellow Americans, is yet another Par-Tea line re-definition of “checks and balances.”

Finally, please allow me to redefine a slogan from the 1990s: “It’s the economy, stupid”.

This is 2011. Economy? It’s the stupidity of Congress.