The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall.
SOUTH BURLINGTON – Voters overwhelmingly rejected South Burlington’s $200M+ school bond this week, leaving school officials looking for other ways to fund the needed projects and programs that the community isn’t interested in paying for. The bond would have funded a new physical education and athletic center, and the school board is still hoping to build the facility, even without voter support.
“All we need to do is host the Olympics,” said school board member Noah Waynell, “and our problems will be solved. When you host the Olympics, they come in and build all that stuff for you! For free!”
Waynell says he is confident that Tokyo will be unable to host the upcoming Olympic Games due to the threat of the coronavirus, and is happy to offer up South Burlington as a viable alternative.
“Just look at the facts,” Waynell said. “South Burlington has zero current cases of coronavirus, a perfect spot for building athletic facilities, and a bunch of a-hole residents that we would all love to get revenge on by flooding the city with international tourists. It’s a win-win-win!”
The Olympic Committee said that they would take the idea into consideration, as long as the whole community could quickly agree on a mascot for the games.
