People & Places

Satire: 3 Vermont towns weigh in on becoming vegan-free ‘meat sanctuaries’

The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall. 

SHELDON – With several towns in the state signing legislation to become “gun sanctuaries,” three Vermont communities will soon vote on whether or not to become “meat sanctuary” towns, in response to what some call “rampant veganism.” Sheldon, Fairfield, and Berkshire will go into town meeting day hoping to pass resolutions banning vegetarianism and veganism from their towns.

Under the new rules, all three of which follow a very similar template, all restaurants will be required to serve meat or dairy with every meal, and any practicing vegans or vegetarians will be banned from entering the towns. Police say this will operate more like a “don’t ask, don’t tell” system, and that residents should not be afraid of police hunting them down in their homes like the animals that they wish were never hunted in the first place.

“Nobody’s trying to attack vegans,” said Sheldon town council member Meddy Amrayer. “Just eat a little bit of meat when you’re out in public, maybe have a glass of milk, show us that you’re trying, and then do what you want when you’re in your own home.”

Some residents have questioned the legality of the resolutions, raising the possibility that the issue may be decided in court. Proponents of the measure say that its detractors are missing the point.

“We’re just trying to support our local farmers and businesses,” Amrayer insisted. “If we let these kale nuts take over, there’ll be no cows left, no cheese, no farms, I mean, will it even be Vermont anymore? Someone’s got to do something, before it’s too late.”

Cheesed-off residents will have a chance to discuss their beef with the new laws on town meeting day next month.

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Adam Hall

About Adam

Adam Hall is the founder and editor of The Winooski, Vermont's premiere local satire site. He has been writing for The Winooski since May 2017, and has been featured on many other sites, including The Good Men Project and The Huffington Post. In addition to being a writer he is also a trained opera singer, voice teacher, church musician, housing educator, vocal coach, husband, father, huge nerd and stand-up comedian. Often all at once.

Email: [email protected]

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Karen McIlveen1

Done forget to include the gluten-free buns and sugar free catsup when you eat the soy and sawdust hot dog, washing it all down with a five dollar Starbucks beverage.

Jude Hazelton

Fun fact, over 90% of the foods on the USDA recall lists are animal products.

james collins

And this move will be life-saving for those allergic to gluten-free foods.

Kirk oppel


Sarah Albright

There is a quintessential picture of cows in a Vermont rest stop. They are lined up in stanchion. Their existence is about humans making their bodies into the best production factories possible. It’s sick.

Great article! I love the part about, “don’t feel hunted.”


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