The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall.
BURLINGTON – A new study commissioned by the city has shown that the primary areas of concern for Burlingtonians are climate change, and parking/traffic issues. The future of our planet as a whole ranked top on the list at 86%, edging out parking which came in with 85% of residents saying they were “concerned” or “very concerned” about parking downtown.
“I know it’s terrible for my grandchildren,” wrote one anonymous participant, “but what am I going to do? Walk a block?”
The survey found that most people use the time spent circling the block or idling in line for the parking garage contemplating ways to help remove the excess carbon from our atmosphere. Most agreed that if there were better parking options, the earth would remain livable for human beings far longer.
“The roads are torn up,” said another survey comment, “and the ones that aren’t are under construction, so it takes twice as long to get anywhere. And now there are all these bikes lanes, and the restaurants are putting tables in the few parking spots we do have. The planet is in trouble, and the city is literally forcing me to drive my car twice as much. It’s unconscionable.”
Suggestions for fixing the issues of climate change as recommended by the survey participants include such actions as removing all bike lanes, increasing speed limits in school zones, widening all roads to four lanes, and inventing cars that run on compost.
