The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall.
GRAFTON – Reports are breaking out all over the state that out of town guests will be visiting Vermont beginning next week, presumably to view the fall foliage that attracts tourists each October. The state has asked all residents to be on their best behavior, as we would like them to come back again next year.
“Just be more normal,” Gov. Scott told the folks of Grafton, as the Grafton Inn began to fill up with reservations. “We can do this together, if we just stay calm. These are people, just like us, and they just want to look at the leaves. Maybe don’t ask them about politics this time, okay guys?”
The state has put out a “Be Cool List,” detailing what sorts of things to avoid when dealing with out of state guests. The list includes items such as “Don’t hide zucchini in their cars. They won’t get it,” and “If they don’t know what a Creemee is, just tell them. We don’t want a repeat of last year when some wisenheimers told those people from Texas that it was a sexual term.”
The people of Grafton have been attending non-mandatory de-weirdening sessions, hoping to be able to fit in better with the leaf peepers this year. The classes encourage residents to say things like “Hi, how is your state’s weather?” instead of things like “I can’t legally sell you any pot, but I can give you a tour of my stash for twenty bucks, with free samples at the end.”
“With a little hard work, some decorum, and a whole lot of luck, all of these new people will want to come back again,” said Gov. Scott. “And if they don’t, well, I’ve got $10,000 for each of them. Maybe we can just buy them off.”
