The Winooski — Vermont’s premiere local satire site — is founded and edited by Adam Hall.
MONTPELIER – In a momentous legal decision, all prisoners in the state of Vermont are set to be freed over the next few weeks after a court ruled that anyone choosing to live in Vermont must be insane. Legally, insane people cannot be held responsible for their actions, and this decision will be applied retroactively to all criminals currently held in the state’s prisons.
“When I said I was moving to Vermont, everybody told me I was crazy,” says convicted felon Saul T. Batri. “The winters, oh man, the snow and ice and cold, plus the terrible internet speeds, no real cities, I mean, I guess it was kind of crazy now that I think about it. Conditions like these, it’s almost impossible not to break some major laws.”
Batri will now be released, along with about two thousand others across the state, provided they can prove they lived in Vermont at the times of their crimes. This ruling will not apply to the many prisoners that Vermont has sold to private prisons in other states as part of the legal slave trade encouraged by the wealthy.
Governor Scott complained about the ruling, calling it “literally insane,” to release all prisoners. The AG replied only that his comment exactly proved her point, and that everyone here is nuts.
All released prisoners that choose to remain in the state will be free indefinitely, although those who attempt to move out of state will face penalties in those states. “If they try to leave once they’re free, we’ll grab ’em,” says Massachusetts officer Trevuh Bakuh. “They lose their insanity plea when they try to get out and head south.” Those fleeing to northern Canada will face no additional penalties.