Editor’s note: This commentary is by Lilly L. Salvia, a writer who lives in Wolcott.
[H]aving lived fully and functioned successfully as both a woman and a man in this society, I’ve become increasingly unnerved by many men’s responses to the #MeToo movement. I’ve watched the accused feign innocence, proffer abstruse apologies, and embrace backlashes; and I’ve listened as other men have stood on the sidelines, tsk-tsking their assurances they would never behave like that, as if the highlighted transgressions resulted from some inconsequential misunderstanding that had been blown out of proportion. I know from my own experience, the men in each instance are missing the point.
I spent much of my life passing as a boy, then as a man, pretending to be an “us,” so as to avoid being labeled, “one of them.” Terrified of being harmed as the woman I am, or killed as the trans-woman men would have accused me of being, I met my basic needs, protected my hopes, and survived the day by affirming men’s acceptance of me. Hiding in plain sight, I bore silent witness to all that men felt they had to say and do when they thought no woman was present. But I also bore the consequences of those words and actions.
One morning, as I rode the office elevator, a male co-worker chucked me in the ribs with his elbow, leaned close, and whispered a litany of vile imaginings about what he would like to do to the woman hired to be the new receptionist. Three hours later, having stopped home for a wardrobe change, I was walking along a city street in a skirt and heels, when another man leaned out the window of his car to yell a hideous remark at me he probably thought was a compliment, but which sent me into panicked shock.
The man in the elevator, if confronted and pressed, would probably not have understood the link between his comments, seemingly made to another male, and the actions of the man who’d yelled at the woman he saw strolling along the sidewalk. One of the problems with men’s reaction to the #MeToo movement is this lack of awareness about how their supposed private attitudes are linked to the public and personal experiences of women. It’s not merely a matter of whether or not a given man misogynistically abuses and coerces a particular woman; it’s also about the way an atmosphere of disrespect toward women is overtly and covertly furthered by men whose conduct supports the atmosphere in which all women are objectified and demeaned.
Yes, both men and women have been complicit in perpetuating this reign of threat and disregard, but not in the way most men seem to think. Women have chosen to survive within the reality men have structured, in part by supporting men’s suppositions with their silence; but it is men’s actions and attitudes – specifically, those of cis, straight men — which have formed that reality and coerced that silence. All of us are complicit, men and women, but it is by way of men’s assumptions and choices that the present injustices continue.
During those years when I was passing as a male, I saw the boys and men around me as being afraid and in pain — I believed this made them dangerous, and confronting them would have been like trying to reason with wounded animals. And so, out of fear, I kept quiet. Which is why I’m not standing outside this issue, pointing fingers.
Looking back, I truly wish I could have been stronger, braver and wiser in my dealings with men; I wish I had known how to stand up to the words of demeaning brutality they directed toward all things feminine; and I wish that in standing my ground, offering another view, proclaiming my identity, and describing the consequences of their actions, some of the men would have thought about and changed their behavior. But I wasn’t; I didn’t; and they weren’t given the opportunity. By my silence, I helped to perpetuate the atmosphere of denigration and abuse I so despised, and within which I suffered so many consequences. I don’t blame myself for any of this – I did the best I could — but I do take responsibility for my choices; and as such, like so many other women, I’m standing my ground now, speaking up, and extending those opportunities. I’m asking that the men reading this join us and do the same.
Take responsibility for what you may or may not have chosen in the past, and rise to the demands of the present and future, putting your masculinity forward in the cause of justice; learn to help rather than hinder. Know that a man and a woman who are strangers alone in an elevator are not sharing the same ride; recognize that a woman and a man who are approaching each other on a deserted street are not sharing the same meet. Accept that the predator/prey relationship, which has come to define public encounters and all too often private involvements, impinges on women’s ability to function. Acknowledge that men and women are responsible for where they are and what they are doing, but the vulnerability men might feel once in a great while is a constant among women who are in contact with them — in the elevator, on the street, you are being perceived as a potential threat — and rightly so. Know this, and act creatively, with compassionate concern – make an effort to offer women an experience different from the one to which we’re accustomed — perhaps cross the street before we choose to do so; maybe move to the other side of the elevator, so we don’t feel compelled to exit five floors from our destination – make a conscious effort to allow us our space and our boundaries. In locker rooms and boardrooms, learn a different way of bonding with your male colleagues, which involves something more dignified, humane and satisfying than the crude, disrespectful jokes and comments you’re used to sharing. Take on the trappings of nobility and honor, in the defense of what is right. Be the man, in all your maleness, that defends those in need — be the man your mother, your girlfriend, your wife, and your daughters pray you are. Because the time has come to free ourselves of the legacy of fear and abuse that has followed us down through the ages — the time has come for women and men to create a world in which the feminine and masculine rise as equal, complementary gifts to this life we share.
