Editor’s note: This op-ed is by Bill Schubart, a regular commentator for Vermont Public Radio and president of the Vermont Journalism Trust, the umbrella organization for VTDigger.org.
A few of us carefully vetted drive-by, liberal media elites are waiting in the Mea Culpa Lounge at the Rouge Limburger Mansion in Palm Springs. We’re five in all, each wearing our “Rouge’s Guest” badges. I’m in good company with NPR’s Maura Liasson, The Times’ Paul Krugman, Rachel Maddow from MSNBC and, to my surprise, Laura Ingraham, whom I’d always thought of as a conservative. I’m an occasional commentator on VT Public Radio and VTDigger.
Rouge enters the room with a broad smile, welcomes us warmly and apologizes for the mansion’s security measures that included pat-downs, full body scans and ultrasounds. Paul and I both rebelled at the ultrasound, but were assured that they would be superficial only and that, other than the gooey cream, we wouldn’t feel anything.
“Care for a Percocet?” Rouge asks with an insouciant smile. “Just kidding!” he jibes with a disarming smile. “They’re my gout pills, he says grabbing several and washing them down with a glass of vitamin water.
He then holds up the bottle and says, “Used to be one of my advertisers, but I had to let them go after my linguistic fluke.” His pun elicits no response.
Hurt that we didn’t see the humor, he insists, “It was a fluke you know. I had to apologize, but it wasn’t really my fault. I’d taken too many Lipitors with my mid-morning cheeseburger. You media elites just don’t understand down-home humor. Do you ever have any fun?”
We looked at each other. “Fair question,” I thought.
Maura Liasson leaned forward and asked, “Rouge, you’ve lost all your national sponsors. How will you continue?”
“Unlike you, I can’t extort taxpayer money to stay in business. Oh, a lot of the big advertisers abandoned me and my millions of fans. I guess they just don’t want their business any more. But I have three loyal sponsors who’ll never leave us. They believe in us. One’s ‘Diet Hat’ and the other is my own start-up called Moat-Canine Security. Diet Hat’s remarkable. I used their product one day and lost 30 pounds. You just wear the hat for seven days or less, depending on how fat you are, eat whatever you want, no restrictions and the lard evaporates like sins in a liberal church … just kidding. There’s one in your guest pack. Laura, wear yours home and you’ll be gone when the plane lands back in D.C.
“Moat-Canine Security combines medieval wisdom with nature’s tooth and claw. Animal rights Nazis have been all over us, but that’s life in the US of A today. First, we dig a moat around your home and fill it with pit bulls. There’s a trace of meth in their kibble and this keeps them on the qui vive for intruders.
“Our oldest sponsor is Meager Capital Investments. They manage investments in commodity plastic. Gold, silver, platinum have all run their course and peaked. The new gold standard is recycled plastic. It’s risen over 17 percent just since you got here. Where else can you get such a return? My fans love it!
“See those young women behind the glass. That’s the ovary office. They’re standing by to take orders now for our sponsors.”
A bit nervous, I ask Mr. Limburger what he thinks of Vermont’s single payer health care initiative.
“Aren’t you the state that forced Walmart to open small downtown bookshops, deports shoppers from Quebec, and hires illegals to milk your cows?” he asked. “You guys should sell moonshine on the interstate the way your tax-free neighbor does, then you wouldn’t need a health care system.
“Hey, I’m taping my show in a few minutes and you’re welcome to watch. My guest this week is Hamid Kharzai. He’ll be telling my adoring fans his thoughts on the place of women in modern society. You can watch on that monitor right there.”
We all thanked Mr. Limburger for his hospitality and left clutching our gift packs.
