Editor’s note: Barbara Ann Curcio is a VTDigger.org columnist.
A Farce in Four Scenes, a winter night in 2012, the Witching Hour.
Scene One: Thunder and Lightning. The C-Spell Studio. The Weird Sisters enter, rapping:
“Muck and Mire, Mire and Mud
Here a campaign
Of hypocrites and duds.
The tone, we bemoan.
From keister up to schnoz we be
In corruption and lies
Moderates and elites,
Demagogues and sneaks —
Opportunists all.
Political hacks and flacks
Celebrate Frauds and Broads
Crooks and Schnooks.
Hear their huzzahs and chants
Slogans and rants
Narratives and spins.
Nothing is what it seems,
No one what they deem.
Truth be told, their lies be bold.
Jobs, jobs, jobs; taxes, taxes, taxes; nine, nine, nine.
Obamacare, Romney Care, Don’t Care.
Forget Food Stamps, a Food Fight instead!
Private Sector, Public Sector,
Greed be the creed
That rules over all.
It stinks, methinks.”
* * * * * * *
Scene two: Moments to the debut of “Witches Brew.”
First Witch: “The Elite Media think they control the narrative, but now is the time for our resurgence. After all, who stirs the pot better than us?”
Second Witch: “Our prognostications are too long forgotten, but now we’re back.”
First Witch: “And so’s that evil Gingrich, with his Contract on America, Part Deux.”
Second Witch: “You mean the Contract WITH America.”
First Witch: “Same difference, but this time he’ll finish the job. Then there’ll be Mourning in America!”
Third Witch: “But first come evenings on C-Spell, where we will conjure all the programming. No news budget, no advertisers, no problem.”
First Witch: “No guest can refuse. It’s strictly come as you are — not as you aren’t — instantly, when summoned. On C-Spell, we’ll be unfair and imbalanced; lean backwards, upside down or in any direction we’re inclined; and look with the eyes in the back of our heads. On witch-TV,
Right is Left and Left is Right, Fair is Foul, Unfair, Fair-er Still.”
Third Witch: “Other networks can only beg, but we three command our guests by magic. Fie on bookers …”
First Witch: “… And journalism credentials. What need of those? Every talking head, from every network, is at our beck and call — they are powerless against us.”
Second Witch: “And though we can make ‘em talk, we can’t make ‘em make sense.”
Third Witch: “Speaking of pundits … Incoming!!!! Matthews! Of course, YOU’d be first.”
Chris Matthews: “My advice for C-Spell? You’ll need all your powers to separate ‘em from their talking points. To quote me: ‘Tell me Something I Don’t Know.’”
Third Witch: “Stifle, Bloviator! But tell us: Every night you bemoan the omnipotence of Super PACS. Yet all that ad revenue bolsters cable news. Are you not then bought and paid for, too? …”
Matthews: “… Let me finish! Will Santorum continue to stymy Gin-rich? And will I keep mispronouncing his name? Buy my latest book. And watch Hardball only on MSN … (Turns into a donkey.) Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw …”
Second Witch: “Get thee to a petting zoo! But hold, another!”
Bill O’Reilly: “Welcome to the No-Spin Zone! What the … “ (His head spins in circles and stops abruptly, facing backwards.)
Second Witch: “Enough! Spin no more!”
O’Reilly: “Listen, I like a good be-witching as much as the next guy. But that power-hag look is so over … !”
First Witch: “Sexist troglodyte! At least we don’t pretend to cover the news, B.O. Ours is to wreak havoc and make mayhem.”
* * * * * * *
Scene Three: Cue the “Witches’ Brew” theme music — “I Put a Spell on You.”
First Witch: “‘Tis time for our C-Spell debut and Republican candidates’ forum.”
Second Witch: “Facebook or tweet your questions — Hagtag McB333.”
First Witch: “Methinks we need a studio audience to poke the candidates. Show! Eleven million grandmothers — that will do nicely!”
Second Witch (under her breath): “Something wicked this way comes … Behold! The Ging-grinch!”
Newt Gingrich: “Hey! I was at Tiffany’s and my right eye went blind. Just who are you hags?”
Second Witch: (Aside) “Oops, wrong eye of newt. I’m a little rusty …”
Gingrich: “How’s it gonna look, a one-eyed visionary? How dare you!”
Third Witch: “You serve our darker purpose, Ging-Grinch. Your utter disregard of ethics amuses us. But why dost thou abhor the poor and deny them food stamps?”
Gingrich: “So does my unworthy Mormon opponent — he of the indiscriminate pink slip, the Bain of Capitalism …”
Third Witch: “Cease thy evasions, lest we turn ye into tonight’s pig roast. Who to conjure next? Perhaps he to the left of Saul Alinsky, yet to the right of Atilla the Hun, that Gollum in a Speedo, Ron Paul.”
Second Witch: “ Or how about Rick Sanctor-monious? Let’s surprise ’em at confession.”
Third Witch: “Too Catholic for our taste!”
First Witch: “Skip the backrunners and let’s bring on the frontrunner — though he bore us to death. Romney! Show! … Curses! He’s not coming in. Confound his magic underwear — it interferes. Appear, Mormon! His angel Moronic hath cast a counter-spell!”
Second Witch: “You mean Moroni. But let me try. Show! Lesser than Reagan, yet Greater than “W.” Not so happy, yet much happier than Huntsman!”
First Witch: “Now he appeareth, yet only in profile, then disappeareth. But hold, he speaks.”
Romney’s voice: “Is this a voter which I see before me, the lever in his hand …” (Yells at TV) “Blasted attack ads. Out! Out, Damned spots!”
Third Witch: “He be unhinged. Summon the next!”
Rick Santorum (in altar-boy garb, accompanied by an unidentified priest in a sweater vest.) “Say, don’t I know you from high-school English? Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”
Third Witch: “Speak! You side with the unborn but once the squawling brats are alive and kicking, they’re off your radar screen.”
Santorum: “But how ‘bout that Gingrich’s violent mood swings — serial philanderer!”
Third Witch: “At least he’s not advocating government in our bedrooms. Talk about your open marriage!”
Second Witch, to the audience: “Would we could make abortion retroactive and start fresh. These candidates are killing me!”
Enter the three murderers, in unison: “Did someone order a hit?”
First Witch: “Hold! Not Yet! We will summon thee when we tire of this cable thing, else ye slay our ratings along with the candidates.”
First Witch: “But we’ll be back after a short break …”
Newt Gingrich (hovering above): “Pssssst! Weird Sisters! Care to handicap my race — strictly as historians …”
All six Tea Party candidates, past and present, appear, dancing ‘round the cauldron, intoning:
“When shall we six meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
In forum, debate, or ‘Morning Joe’
But only when we’re out of dough.
At Tea Party, Coffee Clatch, with Devil’s Brew
When you’re as sick of us as we of you.
In Michigan, Guam, at $5,000 a plate
Where stump speech we’ll regurgitate.
When the primary season’s done,
And the delegates lost and won.
With King, Coop, Todd or Shep,
To CNN, NBC or Fox we will schlep!
When the PAC Man’s money’s gone
When it’s time to cut and run
When the game is no more fun.”
* * * * * * *
Scene Four: Predictions
First Witch: “We fear for the future. Bad things always come in threes.”
Second Witch: “Our first prediction: ‘Beware of those who spread oppression in the name of defending liberty.’ You know who you are.”
First Witch: “The second: ‘No man born again will the nominee be, for no man can be born twice.’”
Third Witch: “And finally: ‘Beware the PAC Man …’”
Second Witch: “….. For he who can be bought can also be sold down the river!”
Third Witch: “They’re selling us all down the river! ‘Winning our Future!’ Bah! More like ‘Buying the Election.’”
Second Witch: “Tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps this petty race ‘til the last syllable of recorded time — or June, whichever comes first.”
First Witch: “Speaking of race, Obama must needs win if he puts his billion-dollar war chest toward the deficit.”
First Witch: “Here would be black magic, indeed.”
Third Witch: “But hold, one more premonition!” (A long line of ghostly journalists toting scotch-and-sodas approaches — the last holds a mirror reflecting generations of Tea Party candidates to come.) “What, will this stretch out to the crack of doom? This is horrible, indeed! Aroint thee, ghastly apparitions! Get thee back to the Fourth Estate. Thou encouraged
the bastards by providing air time.”
First Witch: “I fear as TV anchors we be flops! We should’ve died hereafter…. “
Second Witch: “… Old Borsch Belt joke …”
(Exit howling.)
Barbara Ann Curcio is a former reporter and syndicated coumnist for The
Washington Post.
