Editor’s note: This satire is by Barbara Ann Curcio, a former reporter and syndicated columnist for The Washington Post.
Heaven, May, 2010: The Republican Dead Presidents Society meets for mid-term endorsements. Ronald Reagan enters, dismounting from his horse, throwing down the reins.
RONALD REAGAN: Sorry I’m late, boys. Teddy (Roosevelt) and I just went for a corker of a ride around the 8th circle of Hell. Nice trails down there, just so you steer clear of the Lobbyists section. All their haranguing spooks the horses.
Speaking of horse races, we’re here to get a jump on the political season and handicap our candidates.
GERALD FORD: I gotta say, I object to the DPS getting involved in state politics, RR. Does anybody care who a bunch of defunct presidents like for governor of Vermont, or anywhere else?
RR: Just because we’re dead doesn’t mean we’re obsolete. If the unborn can be players, why not dead presidents? Besides, those tea-partying Republicans can use some old-schooling about now!
FORD: Some Great Communicator! You never listen to a word anyone else has to say. It’s always about you.
RR: (under his breath) Who cares what a prez-AND-vice-prez-by-default thinks?
But back to Vermont, I say Dubie’s our guy. Dubie…. Isn’t he half-Irish? I knew I liked him. Wait, didn’t he work for me back in the 80s? Eh? Oh, right, that was Duberstein, my White House Chief of Staff. Wrong ethnicity! Heh, heh!
See this list? There’s names of 780 Republicans right up here in heaven who’ll back Dubie. All of’em my old supporters.
FORD: Let’s see that.
RR: (Hastily stuffing the list back in his pocket) Remind me later.
Anyhow, we have it on the highest authority that Shumlin will be the Democrat’s nominee, and we think Dubie’s the one to beat him–with our help, of course. Vermont farmers like Dubie–Reagan Dems, too. Doesn’t ride horses, but flies fighter-bombers! Like me in “International Squadron (1941),” when I flew for the RAF. Always did enjoy a good aerial strafing! And remember 40 years later, when I joked we’d begin bombing Russia in five minutes? Heh, heh. Good one, huh?
Teddy Roosevelt: Dubie quotes Howard Dean. For a Republican, that’s almost criminal.
And like me back in California. Dubie will prove if you just look the part you can win any political office–even president.
FORD: Ya, ya….. you never shut up about it!
TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Dubie? That lightweight? I’ve got a list of my own, right here! Here’s 780 of MY old cronies crossing over for Shumlin. They say he out-Republicans Dubie, even quotes George Aiken. Dubie quotes Howard Dean. For a Republican, that’s almost criminal.
Shumlin’s the one with the cojones here, standing up to those sharks at Vermont Yankee and Entergy. Okay, forget the pre-K crock. It’ll never get passed anyway! And what’s your problem with Democrats, Reagan? You used to be one!
RR: Not my fault: I was miscast….. The point is Dubie’s got all the right positions (of course, they were mine first). He even likes nuclear power. Ya know, a whole year’s worth of nuke waste can be stored under a desk! I said it back in the 80s, so it must be true.
FORD: I say he’s the heir apparent and it’s his turn, end of story. We all waited our turns. It’s the Republican way.
RR: And some of us got bumped to the head of the line! Remember Spiro Agnew? Watergate?
TR: (mounting up) Let’s get back to Dubie. The guy was AWOL from the Legislature 25 times out of 62. When you’re second in command you gotta show up. My horse here has more sense than either of you. He knows when it’s time to get out of Dodge. Giddyup, Little Texas!
RR: (Watching him gallop off) Talk about your closet Democrats! Just look at his cousin–New Deal…..Big Deal! Dubie will be singing my tune: “Just di-rect your feet, to the Supply Side of the street.”
This lieutenant governor’s the Real Deal– “government is the problem not the solution” all the way! Even better, he’s as press-averse as I was. I predict when he finally rolls out his big economic platform he gives those hacks a measly 15 minutes to ask questions then begs off. He’ll probably have to swat down that little badger Galloway.
Corry Bliss will follow our playbook to the letter. Wonder if he’s related to old “E. Ternal” up here in corporate? Anyhow, Bliss knows the drill: Avoid the press at all costs, have your spokespeople handle the hard stuff, or just run attack-ads. And if all else fails, have a helicopter standing by to drown out the press corps then exit stage left.
NIXON: (looks up from his game of Solitaire). Dubie? He’ll stonewall the ******#########!!!!!!!!!!@@@@@@@@&&&& !!!!! press bastards. He’s a Republican, he’s one of us. Ya know, we really shoulda called this group CREEP–the Committee to Re-elect Partisans. You never did have a knack for names, President Ron! Commander in Chief Dick–now that’s muy macho.
RR: Whatever, Nixon. I’m putting you in charge of the Republican Governors Association ads! It’s illegal to collude with Dubie’s campaign, but then you always liked an ethical challenge. Next you can spearhead the “Willie Horton” ads against Shumlin.
With all the bucks we’re funneling into that campaign, we’ll be all over the Internet, too. Just Google any Ronald Reagan quotes site, up’ll come Dubie, big as life! “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?” Oops, there’s been a Republican governor for the last eight up there. Scratch that. How about “If you loved Reagan, you’ll like Dubie”?
What he needs is a catchy theme song! Maybe as a favor to me Sinatra would “Dubie, Dubie, doo–doo doo doo dee dah, Dubie, Dubie, doo……
With our coaching, he’ll win big, then we’ll help’em buffalo the press and the suckers who actually think Reaganomics is going to line their pockets.
NIXON: Are you done yet? I’ve got a poker game with J. Edgar….
RR: I can see it now: This is gonna be my big comeback. We’ll bring back Reaganomics in Vermont first. The state’s perfect for us–only 620,000 people– and they barely have cable. They’re so naive, they still think people tell the truth.
FORD: Now we’re getting down to it……
RR: We’ll start small, then once Dubie’s elected and the state government’s dismantled, it’s on to New Hampshire, and South Carolina, and Oklahoma, Arizona…. then we’re goin’ to Washington D.C. to take back the White House ………Yeeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FORD: There he goes again……….
RR: It’s time the Supply-Siders dumped those Tea Party phonies overboard. As for our old polices, they can’t just “Laffer” off. Plenty of voters are too young to remember the first time we trotted out that “cutting taxes = more jobs” war horse back in the 80s. And Bush called it “Voodoo Economics.” I ask you, who’s got a more lasting legacy, me or “41”?
NIXON: Only one thing I need to know: Is Dubie clean? After all, look at his last name. I don’t want to find out after the fact that he was rolling and smoking it. Wait, here’s an IM from Ehrlichman vouching for him: “Dubie didn’t do it.” I’ll get him busy digging up dirt on Shumlin. With a nose that big, it’s gotta be hard to keep clean!
As for lists, here’s mine. There are 780 old Nixon people who’d lend a hand with dirty tricks–all non-violent offenders. Oops, never mind. Dubie won’t want them back on the streets.
RR: Can I see that list? Wait, this is blank!
NIXON: (Shaking his jowls) Well…. I wrote it in invisible ink to foil those %%%&&&&!!!!$$$!!! reporters.
RR: Are we almost done here? You know I knock off at 5 for “Jeopardy,” a TV tray and a Swanson’s Hungry-Man.
Can’t wait for election night when we win. I can just see those “Don’t blame me, I’m from Chittenden County” bumper stickers now.
Listen up Brian, m’boy. At your first press conference, repeat after the Gipper: “Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.”
