Satire: Quebec files for sole custody of Vermont

VTDigger introduces a new feature this week that some readers likely are familiar with — The Winooski, Vermont’s premiere local satire site founded and edited by Adam Hall. 

[M]ONTREAL — Canada and the United States are back in court again this week as Quebec seeks to revise the current custody agreement concerning the state of Vermont. Since 1791 the U.S. has held sole custody of the New England state, with Canada retaining visitation rights on weekends, during foliage season, and whenever Vermont needs laundry done or affordable medication. But Quebec says that deal will no longer work for them.

“The last thing we wanted was to go back to court,” said the largest Canadian province. “We still care a great deal about the United States, and we don’t want to strain the relationship, but we just couldn’t sit back and watch what’s going on over there without doing something. Vermont needs to be in a safe environment, and we no longer have the confidence that the United States is a place where that can happen.”

The legal documents filed by Quebec cite the poor education, high mortality rate, poverty, violence, and general ignorance as major concerns, as well as anecdotal evidence that Vermont is being mistreated. One paragraph discusses a recent weekend during which Quebec came down to the United States and found that some towns do not even have clean drinking water while others are being flooded with carcinogens. Lawyers representing Canada will be arguing that although nothing terrible has happened to Vermont yet, if current trends continue it is only a matter of time.

“Yeah, I heard about it,” said the United States. “I’d like to see Canada try to get her hands on Vermont. We agreed when Vermont was born that Vermont would live with me, and it’s worked fine for over two hundred years, so I don’t see what the problem is now. Canada has no argument, and besides, I’m rich. I can get better lawyers. And you can tell Canada that she’s lucky I don’t build a wall between our yards. If she wants to keep seeing Vermont, she should drop it.”