Schubart: Free association

Editor’s note: This satire is by Bill Schubart, an author, entrepreneur and president of the Vermont Journalism Trust, the umbrella organization for VTDigger.org.

The Vermont Association of Vermont Associations Against Things Annual Meeting in Stratton draws a rock concert-sized turnout.

The recent annual meeting of the Vermont Association of Vermont Associations of Vermonters Against Things, VAVAAT, met recently on the practice slope at Stratton Mountain Resort. The meeting had to be moved twice because the number of state delegates far exceeded the capacity of most indoor venues.

This reporter was surprised at the rock concert turnout, having just covered the Annual Meeting of the Vermont Association of Vermont Associations for Things in the Adamant Community Center with its recently restored and now wheelchair accessible three-holer outhouse. The only two attendees were from the Vermont Association for the Preservation of Utility Poles and Vermonters for Adequacy.

The Executive Director of VAVAAT, Moadley Chatterton the III, urged the sea of picnicking delegates to consider appropriate mergers to reduce the State’s advocacy group licensing burden and the limited capacity of the state’s 241 registered philanthropists.

By way of specifics, he suggested that Vermonters Against Winter might consider merging with the recently formed Vermonters Against Depression or with Vermont Taxpayers Against coming Back to Vermont from Florida at All.

Other suggestions included a possible merger between the new Vermonters Against the Smell of Manure and Vermonters Against Free-range Dairy Cows, or, possibly, Vermonters Against Wind Towers merging with Vermonters Against Electricity. These suggestions were roundly boo’ed by the delegates and several harrumphing delegates stalked out, vowing to start a new organization called The Vermont Association Against the Vermont Association of Vermont Associations Against Things.

The founder of Vermonters Against Weather made an impassioned plea to the crowd for additional members beyond himself, and was later seen sharing a sandwich with the founder of of Vermonters Against a Canadian Border.

The afternoon’s proceedings were marred, however, when a fist fight broke out between the delegate of Vermonters Against Violence Among Animals and the delegate from Vermonters Against the Abuse of Pet Owners. Only after the director of Vermonters Against Possum In-migration intervened, was order restored.

Meanwhile the powerful NIMBY caucus was meeting privately inside the spacious Neiman-Marcus Sweat Lodge to forge and promote a constitutional amendment to update the outdated Vermont motto from Freedom and Unity to Vermont, the Naysayer State.

This reporter interviewed several entrepreneurial young delegates attending simply to assess what opportunities there might be to start new organizations against things in Vermont. One recent arrival from Darien, Conn., suggested that the tapping of maples was a form of arboreal cruelty and sought support to ban the practice. “How would you like to be tapped?” he asked this reporter threateningly. Another young woman was assessing Vermonters’ feelings about a possible container ban on all groceries. “How would I bring my soup home?” this reporter queried, where upon she walked away in a huff. Well, she’s certainly against me,” I mused.

When the sun fell behind the mountain and the night chill settled on the littered practice slope, delegates could be seen gathering their belongings and packing up their picnics. Moadley Chatterton thanked the assembled Vermonters for their fierce opposition to things in general and promised to find a larger more comfortable venue for next year’s meeting, perhaps in New Jersey at the Meadowlands. But his suggestion was again roundly booed.