All praise to the Google: Once we were lost, now we are found, because Google will tell us where to go. Ye, in Googleland, unlike in life, there must be an answer for every question:
Who put the Bomp in the Bomp Shoo-Bomp Shoo-Bomp?
Who put the Dip in the Dip-di-dip di-dip?
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen sparrow?
What makes the Hottentot so hot?
What you gon’ do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
“Go to the Google, he will know!,” the people cried! Many times a day, all day long, “Just Google it!” could be heard throughout the land.
And lo, a great calm descended over the multitudes. All our worldly pursuits, from the highest to the lowest, even juicy gossip, could be satisfied by the Google.
And, for awhile, dayeynu! It was enough.
But the people’s hunger for Googlian wisdom grew. They began to ask “What would Google do (WWGD)?” What was the use of all this information, the pointless searching? They needed a road map, a Deus ex Search-Machina, even.
They needed…. The Googod.
(Did you mean: The Google?)
At a Starbuck’s downtown, the nascent Googod heard their cries, but first he had to achieve Enlightenment. Like Buddha before him under the Bodhi tree, the godlike one sat, latte after latte, lemon loaf after lemon loaf, searching Google on his I-Book. His time had come. The people awaited! Back at Stanford, he had only dreamed of a BILLION searches a day.
But the road to Enlightenment was fraught with impertinence and interruption, blabbermouth baristas and chatty caffinistas.
Could they not see this was a Designated Divinity Zone? And all this sitting–oh, his aching buttisatva! Supreme Wisdom was near, but first came one last challenge from his arch-rival, the false God Bing. Then ping! Here was Bing.
Googod: “I say unto you, you CAN make money without doing evil! Our quest is a noble one and not for profit.”
“Yo, G! S’up? Join me,” cajoled Bing. “Together we can rule the Earth. You cannot possibly manage such a large empire without me.”
Googod: “You know I care nothing for power! It is written: We’re here to serve the people not our own bottom line. Googlers must have all knowledge; it must be organized, accessible and useful.
Like Charlie on the MTA, we must ride forever on the information highway. Only then can we know the truth and attain wisdom.”
Bing: “Please! You care only for money and power. Market dominance is yours, search tool after search tool. It’s one giant Godsell!”
Googod: “I say unto you, you CAN make money without doing evil! Our quest is a noble one and not for profit.”
(Did you mean: not for prophet?)
“Besides, what do you, Bing, have to offer humanity? You would narrow the search, denying us the knowing for ourselves. You say ‘Bing and Decide.’ Sacrilege!
“As for our other rival… What a Yahoo! ‘Just One Search.’ The search for wisdom is never-ending!”
Bing: “More knowledge does not make you wise. The people have been served, alright. Ye, you have over served them, ‘till they are verily stuffed with information. Have you not heard, oh nearly-Enlightened-One, of the Buddhists’ “Path of no more learning”?
(Did you mean: no more earning?)
“Now, Googod-to-be, drop the act. Admit that knowledge is, after all, only a commodity like all others.”
Googod: “Begone! You are like the false oracles of ancient Greece. We, Google, are like the one true oracle at Delphi. Since creation, we have been better and faster at finding the right answer than other search engines.”
“Schmegegge! Enough!” Bing muttered. And ping, Bing gone.
Having zinged Bing, the Googod went out among the people. Blinded by his magnificence, the rabble exclaimed “You-look-marvelous.”
“Are you a God or a man?”
“Neither,” he replied. “I am Googled, ‘the knowing one.’”
Rabble: “But any fool knows it’s not what you know but who you know.”
Googod: “Nay, by the Google you shall know yourselves. Follow me and you, too, can be a know-it-all.”
Rabble: “Kay. All hail and worship, Googod Almighty, the All-Knowing and All-Searching! GlorybetoGoogle! ….. So now what?”
“Look to the Search Engine for salvation,” proclaimed the Googod. “For every question there is an answer–ye, a googol of answers.”
“Look to the Search Engine for salvation,” proclaimed the Googod. “For every question there is an answer–ye, a googol of answers. For I say unto you, rabble, seek, and allow no man or government, no Chinese, no Baidu, to censor information. Trust in the Googod who is of the Google but not necessarily the Google itself.
“I am the Googod and thou shalt have no false gods before me—no Yahoo, no Foxfire, no Evil Bing, which in any case you must first google to find. It is a profane use of our power.”
(Did you mean: propane?)
Now the newly enlightened Googod assembled his disciples and instructed them in the Goohma–not a mob-ho, but the Google dharma. There was Wiki, god of spurious information; UTOOB, god of hagiographers, iconographers and pornographers; Googlobe, the all-seeing from whom none can hide–peekaboo, we c u; Googlelip, who speaks in many tongues–even Swedish Chef, Elmer Fudd and Klingon.
And to them the Googod revealed the Five Ignoble Motivations for googling:
1. “Is it all about me, or is it all about you?
2. “How much is this gonna cost me?”
3. “Is it a moneymaker? Or a deal-breaker?”
4. “Will it help me get even?”
5. “Or get the goods on you?”
(Googlians, Chapter I, verses 1-5)
Then sayeth the Googod: Just follow the signs to the Sacred Multi-Forked Path. You shall recite the Moola mantra and recite it often (because time is moola), and because speech is free, despite what they say in China.
You shall attend retreats at the Googleplex, where you shall play foosball, be lit by lava lamps and ogle the fancifully-decorated offices of the principals. You shall telecommute to Google University, under the auspices of Meng, head of the School of Personal Growth and official “Jolly Good Fellow.” For those of you who know him, his name is Meng. For those of you who don’t, his name is still Meng.
There you may search for wisdom on the Web, ye even in Pig Latin and Swedish Chef: “Advanced-way, Earchsay” or “I’mway, eeling-fay, Ucky-lay,” “bork, bork, bork.”
Lastly, you shall faithfully follow the commandments of the Googod, even those rendered in Elmer Fudd:
From “Ten Things We Know To Be Twue”
“It’s best to do one thing weally, weally well.”
“Fast Is better than swow!”
“You can be sewious without a suit.”
“Gweat just isn’t good enough.”
“Democwacy on the Web Works.”
Oh, weally? Even in China?
(Not weally.)
Barbara Ann Curcio is a former reporter and syndicated columnist for “The Washington Post.”
